Your Dishonesty Cannot Destroy Me

There are some people who insist on sending a deposit for several different reasons, including building trust with me and showing that they will respect my time. As a quick aside, I want to mention that those who don’t insist on sending deposits are not disrespectful. They may have had bad experiences in the past, they may not know that deposits are typically customary for other providers or they just might simply acknowledge the fact that I don’t require them but are happy to follow the protocol of confirming their appointment the day before between 5 PM and 8 PM. Typically, I also have a waiting list of people and I will give away the spot of those who do not follow this strict protocol (since I do not take deposits). First impressions are everything and if a person is late for confirming their appointment time, they will certainly not respect any other boundaries of mine. Anyone can give away money, the respectful people will always be conscientious of rules and protocols.

About a month or two ago I met a really wonderful person, who we will call Mr. S, for the first time. One of the conversations that stuck out to me was the fact that he insisted on sending me a deposit before our session, even though this isn’t a typical requirement. During our session, we were chatting and he said something to the effect of, “if I’m worried about losing $200 then I have bigger problems”. This wasn’t in an arrogant context. This was meant in a context of not being attached to money in a way that can interfere with our ability to build trust in new friendships and relationships.

We talked a little more and we agreed that if someone wishes to rip us off or steal from us, we have enough sense to not let this destroy us. We also acknowledge that the actions of one sad individual cannot overshadow most people in our lives who practice kindness and compassion.

The reason why I am sharing this story is because I had someone reach out to me at the beginning of the year asking to purchase panties. We will call him LT. He shared that he had many terrible experiences with other providers who promised to send him panties and, when he sent them money, they never sent him panties. I felt bad for him. It’s not fair when somebody rips you off. It’s not fair when somebody tricks you into doing something, getting your hopes up and then stealing away that joy. It’s not fair when somebody misleads you into doing something and then removing that consent when it’s convenient for them.

We were in correspondence for a few months. I sent him the panties first on good faith. I never asked for upfront payment to show him that this was something I was going to fulfill on my side of the contract. I wanted to prove my integrity and trust.

I gave him about a month after he received it to ask for him to fulfill his side of the contract. I wanted to see if he would take the initiative and show me the same kind of kindness that I showed him. Once I brought this conversation up, I was met with crickets. I decided to follow up with him two more times after that, with 3 weeks to a month in between. Sadly, he decided to burn that bridge with me.

Today I still question whether the story is true. Part of me makes me believe him because he never asked explicitly for the panties upfront. I sent him the panties first on good-faith. I was hoping to restore his faith in humanity. He seemed like a genuine and kind person. And maybe he is - sometimes. Maybe he had a change of heart and didn’t think that he should pay me for whatever reason he could make up in his mind. Maybe he is the type of person who is only nice and kind when he wants something or when he feels like he wants to manipulate others. Maybe I contributed to the first step of him potentially breaking into peoples houses and stealing panties. Sometimes psychopaths start out slow before they directly hurt others.

Regardless, none of this matters. At the end of the day, I chose to send the panties without upfront payment - knowing the risk that this person could potentially not be true to their word. This isn’t a matter of what I should or shouldn’t have done. I don’t regret this one bit.

It’s also not about the money for me. It’s about giving people the opportunity to reveal who they are. It’s about giving me the chance to see what I might have missed in our correspondence when reading him as a person, to apply to my interactions with others in the future and giving me the opportunity to read people better who I may have just met.

I see every experience as valuable. Whether it’s negative, positive or neutral. It gives me the opportunity to learn about the world, to learn about others (as individuals - not something to be applied to a group of people) and to learn about myself. It also reminds me of the wonderful, honest people I have in my life, the amazing relationships I’ve built and cultivated over the years. They have flourished into something special that cannot be tainted by this type of negativity. Just like my conversation with Mr. S, these types of individuals cannot have the power over me to change who I am as a person, how I treat people I meet and cannot shift my outlook on the good in the world.

Finally, I wanted to share my final email to him. Thank you for taking the time to read my (rare) Monday blog.

Dear Mr. LT

Given your history of quick turnaround time in responding to my earlier emails, and your lack of response to my last two emails over the past 90 + days, I have the insight to identify when no response is a response.

I sent you the panties on good faith without upfront payment as a kind gesture to hopefully restore your faith in humanity as you shared that you’ve been “ripped off” several times. When someone does something on good faith that the other person will fulfill their end of the contract, this is a consensual deal. But when someone promises that they will fulfill their end of the deal and they don’t once they get what they want, this is non-consensual - no different than hurting and taking advantage of others in any way possible. To me, it is sad that to see this cycle of dishonesty perpetuating in the world through your (in)action. However, I do want to share that this cycle ends with me and your actions (and the actions of others before you) will not lead me down the same path. Unlike the actions of dishonesty and allowing past hurt to influence one’s morality, knowing that you cannot shake my faith in people in the world is true strength.

I’m grateful for all of the opportunities I’ve been blessed with and the results of my hardworking success in my life. This isn’t about the money for me. This is about being a person with integrity, staying true to your word as a person, mutual respect and having empathy knowing how it feels to be mislead by others. However, it seems like you need the money more than I do and I’m happy to consider this a one-time charitable donation.

I know your email signature is “don’t mistake my kindness for weakness”. I’d never do that because kindness takes great strength. However, from your lack of integrity and lack of consistency between your words and actions, I can’t see any kindness in you. I see a person who lacks any sort of power in their life and must mislead and manipulate others to get what they want. And I want to assure you that this is the greatest weakness that exists on the planet.

I sincerely hope that my charitable donation has fulfilled some hole or unmet need in your life. But just remember, there is only so much longevity and temporary gain that you will feel from something so sad and destructive with an intent to hurt others. Im a firm believer that karma will always catch up to you - one way or another. Whether it’s someone else hurting you, burning bridges of potentially great relationships and/or how you feel about yourself after hurting others (assuming you have empathy and a conscience). You have to live with yourself at the end of the day. I can choose (and have chosen) to walk away.

I hope you find the healing and strength that you so desperately need.

With utmost sincerity,

Autumn