I wanted to post my birthday blog (which I know many of you are looking forward to this - and I assure you that I haven’t forgotten about this) but these last two weeks has been particularly difficult for me. When I’m inspired, I like to share how I think and feel in the moment because it allows me the space to be authentically myself.
As my family member’s terminal illness progresses, and I continue with connecting the inevitable outcome with the focus of topics in my blog (sex, psychology and life), it begs the question, “why are death and sex still taboo topics in western culture?”
I’m working through my emotions and preparing for the loss. I’m seeing the progression, which hurts because I can’t reverse it or help them outside of everything I’ve been doing. However, it’s transforming my mind, bringing me through a different mental progress and development that I have never experienced before.
I’m writing this blog to help those who may have, are currently or have gone through this type of loss. But I also aim to attempt to make the connection of why these taboo topics perpetuate throughout each generation, fearing the unknown(s) and (possibly) to keep control over the topics where they may feel like they can’t be controlled.
Death & Sex As Taboo Topics
One post on Reddit suggests death and sex are taboo because they’re relatively difficult to control and reminds us that we are a part of nature (not above it). I agree with this as we cannot control our sexual desires, specifically who (and what) we are attracted to and what stimulates us. However, some people control their sexuality by abstaining from sex entirely, which can cause a host of problems. It can also hinder our ability to enjoy the experience to the fullest (even affecting our ability to reach climax when we are too much in our own heads) and, on a larger scale, create fear and avoidance in other aspects of our lives.
Sigmund Freud drew a connection to life (sexuality) and death. He theorized that the “death drive” was powerful enough to oppose the sexual (life) drive and form the origin of inner conflict, so that the two of them operate against each other.
While outdated, I still think his theory does hold some truth in some circumstances and, in other situations, sex and death may be intertwined.
Samantha Langford talked specifically about the kink of autoerotic asphyxiation which involves the act of strangulation to heighten sexual arousal. In her article, she focuses on the issue around the lack of education with regards kinks that carry the risk of death. Sadly she lost her brother to this and had he had the proper education to understand the risks, not with just oxygen but also the pressure on the vagus nerve. If there had been proper education around mitigating these risks, this tragedy might have never happened.
The Power of Death, Sex and Education
As with death, taboo topics associated with sexuality (and kinks) can perpetuate fear with lack of education. It is normal for us to fear the unknown, but can also be harmful physically and psychologically if the receiver (and, in some cases, the giver) are not properly educated .
By sharing education about sex through my blogs (and new experiences) many people have to be that it has helped them familiarize themselves with experiences that they’ve always been interested in, inspired them to start the exploration process and also connects the reader into the world of others who may share the same desires.
An article written in Intimate Inquiries argues that sex and death are both transformative experiences, with heterosexual interactions producing the beginnings of life and death as the final/exit on this earth. I’d like to take it one step further and say that sexual experiences can also be the beginnings of a new life, and I can share my personal anecdotal experiences through others as I’ve heard many people report that they have transformed into happier, more confident people which translates into positivity in all other aspects of their lives. In addition, talking about or experiencing the death of a loved one can also be transformative, gaining new perspectives and changing who we used to be before the loss (which can be good, bad and all grey shades in between at the same time). It’s important to self reflect and become more aware of our emotions during these transformation processes.
My Emotions That I’ve Been Aware Of Through This Transformative Process
As I’m working through the eventual loss of my family member and best friend, I’m finding that I have to teach myself how to work through my own emotions. Just like I enjoy sharing my every day experiences with all the wonderful people I have the privilege of meeting, I wanted to share my process on this journey.
Grief for the loss of who they once were.
Sadness at the thought of their loss - losing who they were and losing them in my life.
Anger that there are no other effective medications to help them with relief (but I still haven’t given up and still actively seeking other options).
Frustration for their behalf for their suffering and symptom intensity.
Relief knowing that their body is adapting to the changes in intensity of pain but also knowing this isn’t something they will have to live with for years.
Happiness that I spent as much with them as I did. That I took photos and videos of our good times. That I had the privilege of having them in my life.
Externalizing our emotions can help us work through dealing with something new and anxiety provoking. People feel a variety of emotions when they first start exploring with me: nervousness, excitement, fear and even shame, guilt and embarrassment (from the way that society has hammered these ideologies into our brains). It’s important to be aware of our feelings, break them down further and find the courage to work through them to push ourselves to our limits and find the quality in our life that makes life worth living.
What (if any) feelings and emotions are stopping you from moving outside of your comfort zone and pursuing a journey of self exploration?
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