Why Doesn’t My Wife Want To Have Sex With Me?

I wanted to write a blog from a heterosexual, male and female relationship perspective. The men that I encounter typically have an amazing partnership with their wife and all or most of their needs are met except for the sexual part of their relationship. Most people have no desire to leave their marriage because the symbiosis of the relationship works in every aspect of their everyday life - but they still feel like they’re missing a part of their needs which does negatively impact a level of their happiness. Many people seek out providers because there is a financial exchange which reinforces a boundary between suitor and provider, leaving no expectations of romantic connection to potentially uproot their lives to pursue a secondary relationship that they cannot or are unwilling to commit to.

People share that they enjoy visiting me because I can fulfill the needs that are missing, whether it’s self exploration (for example, cross dressing or pegging/prostate play) which their wives aren’t open to, they are just looking to relax with a nice massage and a release from someone else other than theirselves and/or they desire body to body closeness, which is a basic need for all of us as people. According to WebMD, cuddling and body to body contact releases the neurotransmitters oxytocin, which produces a calming effect, making it easier to deal with stress, improve sleep patterns and can even reduce physical pain by blocking pain receptors in the body.

Some people also share that they enjoy their time with me because they also feel safe and worry-free from potentially contracting any STIs/STDs after they leave, which is always increased when specific sexual boundaries are crossed, like oral, anal and/or vaginal sex (even with contraception or protection). I also want to state that the desire to push my boundaries is normal but, for some people, they have reported the feeling post orgasm outweighs the desire to pursue the impulsive feelings in the moment. I’m curious to know if oxytocin production can be impacted if the person feels stress and worry after higher risk sexual interactions.

So the desire for sex and closeness is normal, and there is nothing wrong with you for having these needs even if your partner doesn’t share the same sentiment. Some people get sex but they want the person to be engaged in their fetishes or open to exploration. Some people get sex very rarely and, when they do, it’s very mechanical. Some people get nothing at all. So what could potentially be happening with your wife, girlfriend or partner/lover if she doesn’t desire sex the same way she used to (or maybe the way you perceived that she wanted to in the beginning of your relationship)?

Maybe it’s about you but also maybe it’s not about you. Maybe it’s about both.

Guilt and Shame

Sexual shaming of women has been happening for generations - even with the use of “slut” and “whore” as an insult towards women who may (or be perceived) to be engage in casual sex or, most recently, the preoccupation with a women’s “body count”, which is viewed as a negative if it’s considered “too high”.

This suppressive conservative perspective is shaped by culture which, traditionally, has been influenced by religion. Most religions have practiced sexual suppression of women sometimes with harmful consequences, such as stigmas, social rejection, shaming, dehumanization, or even physical violence (Luberti, Blake & Brooks, 2023).

But it’s not just men who may suppress women’s sexuality, but also other women. From an evolutionary theoretical perspective, this is a competitive mating tactic which women can find a partner who desires a “lower body count” and “keep” them by reinforcing monogamy and ensure they have a consistent paternal partner to raise their offspring (Luberti, Blake & Brooks, 2023). The theory is that the idea of suppression of a woman’s sexuality is passed down through the generations to give daughters a “better chance” at finding a viable partner and raising children with a stable provider.

Unfortunately, due to all of these potential factors, this has had a harmful effect on some women’s ability to enjoy and explore their own sexuality beyond offspring reproduction, which may also be so deep rooted in their psyche that it could be impacting their current marriages and relationships.

Pain

Separately (or in conjunction with) guilt and shame, pain can also be factor. There can be postpartum pain, dryness or vaginal atrophy due to menopause or even other medical issues such as endometriosis or PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Pain can impact a person’s desire for sex or impact their sex drive due to the psychological association between sex and pain.

Trauma

Guilt and shame can be trauma producing, but also physical and psychological trauma can also create an aversion to sexual contact. When a person’s boundaries have been violated by (previous) partners, they may become less likely to desire sex due to fear of triggers and bringing them back to the space where they felt helpless and a loss of control. Further, when someone contracts an STI or STD, the connection between sex and contracting an infection/disease can be so strong that this can also be enough to discourage the desire of sex, creating an aversion to project their health, even in a monogamous relationship.

Attraction

Your wife may not be attracted to you for a variety of reasons. There may be reasons you can change, such as your hygiene, or other factors that you can’t, such as what your wife is attracted to physically. I’ve had people share they don’t care if their wives aren’t attracted to them anymore, they would just want them to explore and have fun sexually even if it’s with someone else. There can also be other reasons, such as holding a grudge against you for something you did years ago, or even a lack of attraction to your personality, seeing you as too aggressive or not aggressive enough.

How Do I Navigate This?

This would depend on what you feel is right for you and how well you know her. Do you want to share your thoughts and feelings with her? Do you want to open up the conversation about sexual exploration, with or without her? Have you already tried to have these conversations but have only been met with a shut down from your partner, afraid to relive this rejection again?

If you want to take the risk to share your thoughts and feelings, there are a few ways to go about it. If she ignores you when you try to talk to her, call her out on what you perceive that she’s doing and how it makes you feel. If she cries everytime you try to talk to her, take control of the conversation by calling her out on her tactic to shut down the conversation, ask her what she’s feeling in the moment to cause her to cry and/or ask her if she needs help from a professional. If it is difficult to manage your emotions in these situations, you can also seek out a neutral mediator (psychotherapist, counsellor, life coach) to help facilitate the conversation to stay on topic so you can be heard.

You can talk about other ways to have sexual contact other than penetrative sex, such as giving each other massages or even just have her give you a hand job which may lead to something more without having the same expectations and psychological pressure. Reassure her that there is no pressure to move past her comfort zone and that this is a way in which you are trying to reconnect with her, having your needs met as well. This can also be part of the conversation or agreement between both of you if you hope to explore outside of your relationship.

If this is all too much for you, especially between family, work and personal life, then I believe that you don’t have to share with her. A lot of people would argue that it’s more ethical to share, and they would be right, but what sounds good in theory is not always easy (or worth it). Some wives may not even want to know if their husbands are having their sexual needs met elsewhere, especially if it gives them consolation from moving outside of their comfort zone of feeling the pressure for sex. They may not even realize this, but I believe there is some truth here especially if they have practiced avoidance up to this point around talking about sex with you as their husband. If you shared what you desire sexually (with or without her) or what you have done, they may feel anger, hurt or resentment. If you left, it would crush them and impact everyone in both of your worlds.

The answer is murky, there are a lot of grey areas and this can be seen from many different angles. You are not broken. And neither is she. Relationships are tough and everything we have been taught about how a relationship “should” look is made up and unrealistic. You just have to find a way to meet in the middle without neglecting either of your needs, or being forced to do something that you cannot give to the other person. You know your partner best, how to approach her and what she can (and cannot) manage emotionally and psychologically. Ultimately, it’s up to you whether it is worth it to leave or stay in the relationship, navigating things the way that works best for your needs.