Relax, They’re Just Feet: My Reaction To What M Shared

I wanted to talk specifically about M’s experience of providers who met his request to his sock and foot fetish with outright denial and rejection. He shared with me on that day that he felt like he was weird because of the reactions he received from providers when he shared his preference for socks and feet (I’m not sure if I’m quoting his correctly - this was just my interpretation and experience based on what he shared).

I’ve also had other people share the open disdain, anger and shaming they have experienced with providers (and in their personal relationships) when they have shared their fetishes or desires for any other types of exploration, such as cross dressing, prostate massage or pegging.

I wrote in a previous blog about men who typically use anger as a protective mechanism last week on my blog and I wanted to talk about why, perhaps, some potentials reasons that people may react the same when met with specific unconventional sexual requests.

I think it’s important for the person to consent to what a person desires. I’ve spoken about consent on a previous blog. Now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a person being turned down for their request from a sex professional or a lover. However, I believe that anger and shaming are inappropriate responses and can cause harm to the person finding the courage to share. Consent is no different than mutual respect.

There’s nothing wrong with fetishes - and you aren’t weird for desiring to explore these sides of yourself. We can get to know ourselves between through what we enjoy (and what we don’t). This can open the doors to self exploration on other levels, reflecting on how these preferences developed or why we been afraid to further explore (as I talked in my blog yesterday). I further normalized in another blog how we can conceptualize control (and give up control) with every fetish we can categorize.

Fear What We Don’t Understand - Or Refuse To Want To Understand

When someone reacts with anger when we work up the courage to share our fetishes and desires, this says more about them than it does about us. There’s nothing “wrong” with us for desiring the unconventional (even though in M’s case, foot fetishes are quite common).

Many studies have identified the link between fear and anger which can trigger our physiological “threat system”, associated with the fight or flight response. One study found that cortisol levels (a hormone related to stress) elevates when experiencing anger and fear. Another study referenced in the same article, also suggests that using fear in conjunction with anger can help escape psychologically by narrowing in on the threat, but inhibits the ability to distribute our attention elsewhere.

In the situation where M may have been met with anger or shame when sharing his preference for feet, perhaps cortisol levels may have been elevated with the feeling of fear on the receiving end (unknown as to why this fetish exists) which, according to this study, can raise the fight or flight response and use anger as a protective mechanism. This means that perhaps the person on the receiving end could be impacted by cortisol levels to hone in on the threat of the unknown (being afraid of not understanding the fetish), ultimately being inhibited of the ability to not get angry or shame M as their judgment and emotional regulation could be clouded by their fight or flight response.

Other Explanations

This is just one explanation I can come up with. Perhaps there could be traumatic triggers or even projection from past experiences. Typically, (from my experience - and not always), those with foot fetishes tend to be the lowest number of bookings (from initial point of contact) and, from my experience, are more likely to try and negotiate a better rate. I wonder if sex professionals have the same experiences and may project this experience onto others.

Perhaps romantic partners want to be treated a certain way (desired for more than just a specific body part) but may feel objectified and/or not sexually compatible as they may envision sex as something more conventional and, anything that deviates from this “norm” is considered “bad”.

Many women (shaped by religion and culture) are shamed by some people of society if they enjoy sex. It is preached that sex isn’t to be enjoyed and only for reproduction (and they’re a “whore” if they move outside of these boundaries). Perhaps the fear of deviating from this norm could be projected onto those who are requesting exploration and, as I mentioned above, the fear can be translated into anger to keep themselves safe.

You are not responsible for the way a person reacts to your requests. If they shame you, it’s a reflection of their character and inability to do their own self work - it is not a reflection of who you are. You aren’t “weird” for desiring self exploration and pleasure. You deserve to feel safe, happy and satisfied.

👣 Relax & explore 👣