I met Mr. G a few times before, and I experienced him to be a very kind, thoughtful and self reflective person. Both times that we met, he talked about his wife and work life.
He shared that people see his life as perfect - perfect partner, perfect kids, perfect job, perfectly happy. But he told me that this couldn’t be further from the truth. My experience of what he shared was that he felt like there was a lot in his life that didn’t feel perfect and he was living this lie (or had the pressure to maintain this outwardly perfect image that he felt others projected onto him).
He expressed several times that he wanted to bring his wife in to meet me for a session but he expressed difficulty in how he would approach the topic. He experienced a lot of stressors at work with a particular colleague and we talked about ways to cope with these types of people - and that these types of individuals are typically unhappy with themselves, which is why this type of negativity is projected onto those around those types of individuals.
After our second session together, he shared that he was ready to invite his wife to meet me. We exchanged a few texts throughout the week, particularly with him finding it challenging to bring up the idea to her and my suggestion including asking her a hypothetical question of whether this was something she would be interested in exploring.
“She has agreed to come! This Wednesday will work perfect for us!”
Little did I know what I was in for.
Wednesday finally came and I received the text that they were in the parking lot.
‘Uh oh’ I thought. ‘What will come of this?’
And, shortly after, my buzzer went off and I promptly allowed them to walk through my unlocked door.
“Well, we decided to come in because she wanted to meet you” he said.
“Can I have a hug?” I asked her. She said yes but I didn’t see that her body language matched her words as I felt like there may have been some social pressure to be kind to me as a stranger - so I didn’t force it. I could tell she was confused and uncomfortable.
“What is this?” She asked. She was visibly angry and I held space for her to feel her emotions.
“Would you like some wine?” I offered her. “Yes please” she accepted without hesitation and I invited them over to my couch to sit down to chat some more.
She started to share. “He first told me we were going for a couple’s massage, which I agreed to. On our way over here, he told me that this was more of a sensual massage. I was confused what he meant but still went along with it. As soon as we parked, he told me some more detail. I still don’t know what this is.”
“I will share my side of my understanding” I said to her. “I was told he told you what was happening and I clearly had a much different perspective of your relationship than he shared. He talked very highly of you, if it’s any consolation, and he wanted to share this experience with you from the start.”
I turned to him. “Why don’t you lay everything on the line” I suggested.
“Well I’ve been here twice. First time I had a prostate massage and second time I didn’t.” He proceeded to explain what “this (was)”, with me interjecting to help clarify and answer all of the questions she may have had.
“Well why didn’t you tell her all the details beforehand?” I asked.
“Well I told her tidbits of information” he said.
“Tidbits?” She questioned. “I had no idea what you were talking about”.
“Well,” I said, “what may seem obvious to you is not always obvious to the person on the receiving end. Something I learnt from my supervisor during my psychotherapy placement is that when we are trying to communicate properly, we have to be as obvious and up front as possible, even if it seems redundant. And worst case scenario, even if we are repetitive, at least we can ensure the message is received in the way we intend for it to be. Why didn’t you just tell her all of the details up front, instead of tidbits of cryptic information?”
“Because I was afraid” he replied.
“Of what?”
“Of her getting upset”
“But how do you think she feels now?”
“Well obviously I fucked up”
I turned to her. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” I proceeded to tell her about my T&A sessions and how I help mostly married men who feel like they are missing something in their lives and/or relationship, who are looking to explore in a safe, non judgmental space. She seemed to be slightly interested by the information I was sharing but I also think her anger and hurt were clouding her ability to truly appreciate what I was saying, understandably.
I turned to him. “Do you feel like you have difficulties communicating your thoughts and feelings?”
“Yes”
“Where does this come from? What was your relationship with your parents like which you were growing up?” I asked him.
“Discourage talking about my feelings and thoughts was something that was instilled in me. If I ever broke this rule, I was ridiculed and treated poorly. It was something that was very traumatic for me and something I think plays a role in my difficulties in communicating to this day.”
She took a lot of accountability in her role of perhaps making it difficult for him to communicate and also acknowledged how she could be a better partner to him. To me, it seemed that they are a power couple who will make it through anything and, as I mentioned to them, that this may be extremely painful and hard right now but this could be the start of something beautiful and great to bring them even closer as a couple.
We ended off with her telling me that she will probably be back for a session, and I acknowledged and validated that time for healing is necessary.
Our time together ended off with her saying, “okay now I’ll give you a hug” which I thought was very kind of her.
Overall, I experienced them both to be lovely people and I think the way he approached this was probably not the best. He did share that his intention was to “screen” me to see if I was a safe space for both of them but, given his difficulties to communicate and unknowing of how she will react, perhaps a T&A session beforehand would have been a better approach and it may not have been as difficult for her as it understandably was. Although she said she felt like he was unfaithful to her, he shared that this experience wasn’t about the physical or finding someone else to be with (because he loves his wife very much) but rather part of the journey he has been on by himself and his expressed regret that she hasn’t been included in this experience over the years.
My final thoughts around this whole experience was that he needed to disrupt the order of things for several different reasons. He was fed up with everyone believing his life was as perfect as it was and he needed to break free of this mould and confines of his mind to prove to himself the contrary. This was part of the evolution of his journey and moving outside of his comfort zone. But most importantly, he needed to find his voice, disrupt the order of his marriage in order to rebuild on a newer, happier and better quality relationship where both parties can communicate their needs and find a way to meet in the middle.
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