Love bombing typically shows up at the beginning of a budding relationship - but not always. I’ve seen love bombing within a provider and client relationship - from both perspectives. So what is love bombing and why is it so dangerous?
Love bombing is a psychologically manipulative tactic that a narcissist uses in order to gain control of their victim and get what they want. The narcissist uses tactics to make their victim feel good and reel them in.
There are many reasons why these narcissistic personality types use love bombing as a tool: to boost their ego, to seek attention and/or to seek out power, sex and/or control over their victim.
When you have a person targeting a victim with love bombing, this can sometimes turn deadly - metaphorically and/or physically. Sometimes it doesn’t even require an affair to attract these people and it can develop even when a person has their sights set on a person. Because of the nature of sex work, lacking boundaries from both a client and a provider perspective can blur the lines between what is real and what isn’t. I will talk about the signs to look out for with regards to love bombing.
Service Provider
From my experience, I’ve encountered a lot of service providers who seek to find a rich man (sugar daddy) to take care of them so they don’t have to work. This is not always a negative as some clients may recognize this potential arrangement and seek to get what they want out of the relationship. Sometimes, however, these providers run their game by looking for someone to take money from over a period of time with psychologically manipulative tactics, such as playing on someone’s good nature. When they see a client becoming infatuated with them, they start using love bombing to get what they want.
Clients
I’ve also encountered clients who try to buy me out of the industry by promising flashy materialistic things and an “easy future”. Sometimes it hasn’t always been about buying me out but also offering me things in exchange for an arrangement that works in their favour. Both scenarios translates control and taking what they want instead of considering what I want and what gives me fulfillment. Minimizing my needs and my desire for autonomy has always been a red flag for me in my personal and professional life.
How Do I Know I’m Being Love Bombed?
Experiencing one of these signs listed below does not necessarily mean you’re being love bombed. Frequency, consistency and intensity must always be considered.
1.Constant compliments
This is the first warning sign. Someone can pay you a compliment doesn’t necessarily mean they’re attempting to victimize you. Some warning signs of compliments will reflect absolute statements - almost unbelievable. These may consist of phrases like, “you’re my favourite provider/client and the most amazing person I’ve ever met” or “you’re the most attractive person I’ve ever seen in my life”.
I’ve been told that my services have been the best experiences of people’s lives and they spend time trying to convince me they’re being truthful. That doesn’t necessarily mean they are love bombing me and I see it as an honest opinion because it isn’t used in conjunction with my value as person (amazing person) but rather my skill set.
With regards to the second example, how can I be the most attractive person they’ve ever seen? We encounter so many people per day and this is certainly not believable. If the love bomber claims to be attracted to personality, question why they are only paying attention to external qualities. Question everything you are told that doesn’t sound logical and follow your intuition.
2. Telling you you’re their soul mate and never loved anyone/felt such a connection to anyone as much as you before
This is similar to paying someone compliments but there is no room for a gray area here - this undisputedly is a huge red flag. Using buzz words like “soul mate” may feel nice to a hopelessly romantic person looking for love and love bombers will pick up on this. Further, saying things like, “I’ve never loved anyone as much as you before” is a statement that can’t possibly be taken as truth. Logically, if the person has been in a serious relationship before, they’re bound to have felt an intense love otherwise they wouldn’t have invested time into a person. However, love bombers usually have narcissistic traits - they don’t feel emotions, they just desire control and so they will say anything and everything to manipulate a person.
Not every person who says they feel a deep connection with you is love bombing you - as long as they can back it up with evidence. I’ve had people share that they feel deeply connected with me because, for example, I give them the space to share, I listen to what they have to say and I provide many perspectives without judgement.
Thankfully, I haven’t had anyone tell me they’ve never loved anyone as much as me before in my professional life, but I’ve had friends who start dating a person who used these tactics to gain their attention and love. One love bombers in particular has been married previously. How can they love my friend more than the person they’ve chosen to marry? It makes no sense.
3. Showering you with excessive gifts
I have clients who bring me gifts and I see it as a lovely and genuinely kind gesture. These gifts are usually cute, practical (which is my preference) and relatively inexpensive, such as flowers, chocolates, wine and even a card with a thoughtful message. Occasionally I’ve received jewelry but I still do not qualify this as love bombing. When I talk about excessive, this points to expensive gifts on a frequent basis. For example, showing someone with expensive jewelry, cars, brand name clothing, vacations/private jets etc. Accepting these types of gifts sets yourself up for owing something to the victimizer. If you notice someone giving gifts of large value and it becomes overwhelming, politely decline and set a boundary before you’re in too deep. This is the love bomber’s tactic to setting you up to owing them something.
4. Getting upset with setting a boundary
If you set a boundary with someone attempting to buy your love, and they become sad or angry, this is a huge red flag. This is why putting a stop to excessive and expensive gifts in the beginning is critical for your well-being. Someone who genuinely cares about you will never become upset if you need to take space for yourself. They would want the best for you. Love bombers will become enraged because they’re trying to gain control over you and they’re not getting their way, almost like an adult sized toddler. I’ve had a client share with me that a provider he was seeing for a few years tried asking for money and he said no. She became visibly angry and verbally abusive. Thankfully, he had enough sense to end that relationship before it became dangerous.
5. Expecting or demanding attention
Another form of love bombing is expecting a person to pay full attention to them. I’ve had clients attempt to play a guilt trip on me or become angry at me not responding at their convenience. For example, a form of guilt trip that I’ve experienced is “I guess you don’t feel like I’m not good enough to talk to” or, “I’m too much”. This can also be seen as a way for validation but when this happens consistently, it becomes frustrating because all this person can see is their needs without exercising patience or consideration for my own needs, especially as I’ve validated them several times before (they’re not too much - I’m just preoccupied with other things in my life). Guilt tripping is a manipulative tactic to gain a person’s attention and continue the back-and-forth dialogue. This is also why I’ve listed on my website to gently nudge me if they don’t receive a response - this is nothing personally against them unless they make it personal.
Many clients have also shared stories of providers getting angry whenever they see another provider. I’ve even had clients make me promise I wouldn’t tell another massage attendant that they came to see me. This is another form of attempted control. Some clients are even afraid of telling me they’re seeing another provider. I always encourage new experiences for people - whether it is with me or with someone else. I always assure people that they don’t owe me an explanation or their exclusive loyalty to me.
I am in communication with people who send me messages over a few days and sometimes I respond in my mind but forget to send the text. This would not count as one-sided communication because we have already built a healthy, strong relationship where they understand and appreciate my bad habits.
I do have ex-clients (or ex-potential clients) who I have shared that I don’t want to see them anymore for various reasons and, despite me not owing them an explanation, have provided closure and this is not respected on their end. They will still message me from various platforms without respecting my boundaries. Narcissistic love bombers will attempt to control others through attention - it doesn’t matter whether it is positive or negative. Any attention is good attention in their eyes.
Love bombing may feel good in the beginning but this will fade overtime and slowly turn into emotional, psychological or even physical abuse. They will suck you in through love bombing and take control of you. These types of people will attempt to control and abuse you in every possible way: tell you what you can and cannot do, use psychological abuse to lower your self-esteem and hurt you, physically abuse you and gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem, manipulate you and steal your resources, including money, energy, positivity etc. Sometimes this can even become dangerous, where they will threaten to harm you through exposing things about you to the world or sabotage your personal life to get what they want.
Recognizing the signs and symptoms in the beginning are important to protect yourself. There are other ways to cope if you’re feeling stuck in this type of relationship.
How to know if you’re being love bombed
1.Externalization
If you’re ever uncertain about whether someone is love bombing you, externalization can be helpful. Writing down the events and reflecting on how it made you feel is a great way to see everything outside of yourself. Love bombing can leave a person feeling confused due to the overwhelming positive feelings in the beginning and slow integration of abuse as time progresses. I like to compare it with the analogy of the frog in the boiling water. If you place a frog in water that’s already boiling, they will hop out right away. But if you place them in room temperature water and slowly being it to a boil, they will pass away due to the gradual increase in the water’s temperature. Pay attention to your feelings with all relationships in your life.
2. Surround yourself with positive people in your life who are helpful
Bouncing thoughts and feelings off of people who you can trust is important. Also, positive people can provide you with support in raising your self esteem and self worth. Having people around you who know what you’re experiencing can be helpful for your physical safety and mental health.
3. Seek support from mental health professionals
Mental health professional are a great resource to help you escape these abusive types of relationships. Sometimes our friends and family don’t have the skills or resources to provide you with the support you need to escape.
4. Set boundaries and stick to them
When a narcissistic love bomber realizes you have set boundaries, they will not take kindly to it. They will do everything they can as an attempt to gain your attention. They may give you wonderful compliments, send you gifts, attempt to make you feel bad for them or even lash out with threats or insults. DO NOT RESPOND. As I’ve mentioned earlier, any attention is good attention and these types of people will do anything they can as an attempt to control you and break your boundaries. Stand strong and just ignore. Even if you decide to take out a restraining order, research has shown that this will further push the perpetrator to pursue their goals. It may take a while for them to disappear, but eventually they will. If you feel like your life is in danger, seek out help from professionals, including law enforcement but never respond and tell them to “go away”.
Exercise vigilance and don’t give your power away. It your duty to provide yourself protection and the power is within you to follow through.
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