I had some family affairs I had to attend to a few weeks back and this lovely person was patient enough to give me a second chance despite the rarity in my last-minute cancellation on this day.
I had the pleasure of seeing him a second time last week and he shared what he didn’t like about what I did on our first time meeting. He reassured me that it wasn’t criticism, and I reassured him that this is not how I took it anyway.
He told me that during our first time meeting, he didn’t like the light touch on the tip of his penis. The reasons for this are not relevant but I want to say that it’s important to know that you are not required to endure a sensation inflicted on you by a partner that does not correlate with what you like, all in the name of being fearful of offending them. You are allowed to speak up and correct when necessary.
He shared that if he told me what he didn’t like and I didn’t react well, that it would be game over for him. And I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to be around somebody who is touching me a certain way that I didn’t like and wouldn’t be receptive to touching me in the ways that I requested.
He also told me that he doesn’t like people faking their pleasure either, and asked me for reassurance. I don’t and can’t fake my pleasure as I’m very sensitive and have a low pain threshold which requires correction for connection. If I don’t like something, I will tell you (or show you) in a gentle, yet, direct way. I have no problem sharing what I like and what I don’t like. Or even correcting you on what I like. If you are not open to being corrected on what I like, I will dismiss you permanently. You must be open to the same level that I am, otherwise we will not understand each other.
I’ve had my fair share of experiences of expressing what I like (and didn’t like) in terms of touch (pressure, location etc.) and some people are unable or unwilling to listen. Either they apply the knowledge and go back to the way they want or they completely disregard my request entirely. This happened more at the erotic spas than now, as an independent, as I found typically men who visited these spas tended to be more “takers” than “givers”. This is not applicable to everyone but rather this was my experience overall while working in that environment for 4 years, versus working in my current environment for almost 5 years. Perhaps I can share my theories on the psychology around this in a future blog.
What is the difference between a “taker” and a “giver”? In my opinion, a taker of pleasure is self-focused on their own pleasure. Even if they may touch the other person, they are touching the person solely for their pleasure only and will not listen to what their partner actually enjoys. To me, there is a level of narcissism and self-centeredness that comes along with this type of person as they believe they may think they know what’s best for the other person’s pleasure or may not even be aware that the other person has a different way of experiencing pleasure than their previous partners (anything that they think they’ve learned in pornography). These people may be self focused and may feel like they don’t need to change.
I certainly consider myself more of a giver. A giver is someone who focuses on giving the other person pleasure, and are willing to change everything they’ve learnt from previous partners to ensure their current partner is experiencing the pleasure they request and desire. They are open to asking the partner whether what they are doing is “ok” and what they are doing feels good. They will change what they are doing when requested and be conscientious of ensuring that they are maintaining consistency.
Respect works both ways. I enjoy what I enjoy, and I will vocalize it. If there is something I don’t enjoy, I will also share that. I hope the same for you. Please never feel afraid to tell me what you like and what you don’t like. You may not like certain sounds or sensations. If you share with me that I’m doing something to make you feel uncomfortable, I will never be offended. In fact, I want to know. I want to give you pleasure, not trauma or any sort of negative association with me and the safe place that I aim to provide. And I will never be upset by this feedback. I promise to always listen, apply my knowledge and deeply appreciate your openness. A person who does not share this same sentiment will always be considered a “red flag”.
Helping me understand what you don’t like is just as important as learning what you do like.
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