One of my close friends ended their relationship with their childhood best friend because they were in a relationship with someone who was abusive, would talk about it but didn’t want to make any changes. This same individual complains about their life to me but doesn’t take any necessary steps to make changes to their life. They have a poor excuse to any of my questions of change, which suggests to me that they don’t want to change but they would rather vent. Why did they cut off their friendship with that person for doing the same thing they essentially are doing in their other relationships?
My professional opinion is that this friend reminded them of their stuck feelings, which can be frustrating when you’re reminded of these feelings within your own life. So how do people get to this point?
Typically there is a need that isn’t being met in their current world but there is fear to make changes for many reasons, such as failure and fear of the unknown. In the case of my friend, they have a specific idea of how the change should happen and anything that deviates from this idealized scenario is not possible or worthy of exploring. They believe in manifesting change (which is taking a backseat to action and instead allow the “universe” to make these changes for them) and also they argue they need extensive training in one area in order to pursue things they love (even though they’re very knowledgeable and experienced in the field of interest). I also have theory that they suffer from perfectionism, which everything needs to be perfect in order to be happy and make changes. They need to know X amount of knowledge, they need to love everything about their career (and not dislike one thing or else change isn’t worth it) and they need to obtain change through their own way (manifestation, not hard work). As the objective and logical reader can see, this can be quite problematic and a perfect recipe for these stuck feelings.
But wait, isn’t venting good for you?
I think first we need to discern the difference between sharing and venting. Sharing is communicating all the facts from a practical standpoint whereas venting has the framework of letting off “emotional steam”. I also think sharing can turn into venting when a person ruminates and says the same thing over a long period of time without seeking a solution.
Many studies and articles suggest that venting is not healthy because it doesn’t provide a solution, but rather keeps the negative emotion in the forefront of the mind and doesn’t offer any solutions. One article mentions, alternative to venting, the importance of constructive dialogue or externalizing the thoughts and feelings by writing them down, to see them outside of yourself.
As a trained psychotherapist, we had to be aware of the relationship within the session and when sharing turned into venting. We had to be extremely self aware and not get “stuck” with the client in their venting. It was important to address this stuckness and take charge in exploring these feelings as it becomes less therapeutic and advantageous to allow them to stay in that mental place. It’s quite interesting what you can unearth when you explore deeper feelings and reasons behind the resistance to solution exploration.
I think it’s important to recognize when a person is looking for support for change or just an outlet to complain. When a person complains about the same thing over and over, it can lead to a feeling of stuckness and frustration within you. It may contribute to feelings of hopelessness, and, like I’ve mentioned in my blog two weeks ago, which can be found here, feelings of lacking control, leading to further mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression. Part of the reason why I also didn’t pursue psychotherapy is because I had a few clients in my practicum who did not make any clinical progress within their therapy. They chose to come to therapy for companionship, rather than to get better which kept me in a place of stuckness with them.
I am the type of person who is not afraid to make changes or take risks. In fact, I get a lot more satisfaction out of trying new things than being stuck doing the same thing. Change can add to personal growth which can lead to new perspectives, more knowledge, interesting avenues to explore and excitement. This is why my sessions can be so unique and fun. I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I don’t mind the routine based sessions, and giving people what they desire. This is stimulating for me because people who enjoy feeling good will express their pleasure, which brings me pleasure. Alternatively, sometimes I like to have a different type of fun and switch things up from session to session, depending on mine and the other person’s mood for the day. This is why I like investing in new furniture, exploring new avenues of fetishes, and always keeping an open mind. Of course, it is important to be aware of your boundaries and things that you are not open to, but also recognize that sometimes this goalpost can change and it’s up to you when you feel like exploring.
The majority of people that I meet are married but love their spouse and don’t want to leave because they fulfill a majority of their needs. They’ve tried to reconnect with their spouse and have their physical needs met but the partner is unable (health reasons, trauma etc.) or unwilling (to explore fetishes etc.). They’re great parents, friends, kind and caring but this one piece is missing. Those who come to see me for an erotic massage are looking for physical closeness, skin to skin contact and a release of stress, which is a natural and one of our most primal desires. An article posted in Psychology Today (listed at the end of this article) talks about the importance and benefits of physical touch, which is often is associated with decreased cortisol levels, lower heart rate, and reduction in depression and anxiety. So instead of staying “stuck” in a place of want and need, they seek out the solution to have their needs met or even explore other fetishes that they’ve deprived themselves of so long.
It is unreasonable and illogical to believe one person can meet all of your needs nor can they be responsible for making changes in your life. I encourage people to share their thoughts and feelings but ensure that this doesn’t turn into venting, as this is never helpful for either party. If you’re looking for reassurance, share. If you’re looking to explore solutions to a problem, share. But take care in sharing because it can turn into cyclical loop of venting and stuckness where you can feel out of control and unhappy. If you’re unhappy in parts of your life, share to look for solutions or write down your thoughts and feelings. The power of change is within you and it is your responsibility to ensure your essential needs are met to make your overall quality of life better and live a happier life.
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