Relax, They’re Just Feet: My Experience With M

M made the first point of contact through email a few weeks ago and he was patient enough to wait another few weeks as I had limited availability at the time.

The day finally came and it was a pleasure to meet him. He talked about experiencing the colours of blue in different shades when he closed his eyes and tingling feeling in his body from the shared mutual pleasure - even without me touching him. He shared his feelings of bliss from the closeness and caressing of our bodies.

For a moment, we were laying with our heads on opposite sides of the massage table with him squeezing my feet, nibbling on my heels and sucking on my toes through my socks. It felt fantastic.

One thing that I noticed was that he kept pulling me in. He wanted me to be close to him, to hug him and to hold him. I was running my nails gently up and down his shaft very lightly and softly. He went from 0 to 100 and reached his climax unexpectedly. Typically I can predict when a person gets too close too quick but my intuition failed me in this moment.

After he reached orgasm, we talked about how he usually needs feet in his face to climax (which was my plan all along) and he said this was the first time he ever orgasmed without this type of stimulation. His body language communicated to me that he wanted to spend more time hugging, cuddling and caressing each other.

For the remaining few minutes we had left, we cuddled a bit longer and he seemed to have felt comfortable enough to share his childhood experiences of what he said he attributes to his preference for feet. With his permission, I will share his story of what he told me and what I understood and took away from his explanation.

He told me his love between his parents were conditional and they use to use him to triangulate him against each other. He told me he had a babysitter and he used to sit under her chair and he could see her feet. I’m unsure if I understood whether she would tell him to play with her feet or he would willingly choose to but it sounded like there was a positive association between feet and the babysitter he seemed fond of. He shared that he believed this was why he always had to have feet in his face to orgasm

However, with our interaction, he wanted me close to him. I said I wonder if feet was a representation of unconditional love that he didn’t experience from his parents and the only type of love and intimacy he ever experienced was from that particular babysitter.

Is Nurture a Better Predictor Than Nature?

It is not only our genetics that shape who we are but it’s also our experiences throughout childhood and adolescence. A lot of research supports this concept, including one study which suggests that our upbringing is a great indicator of temperament, emotional reactions and motor responses.

Our experiences earlier in life can sometimes be a good predictor of development of personality traits, motivation in life, etc. As psychotherapists, we have been trained to go back to the childhood to see how this relates to and impacts who the person is now.

I believe that just like trauma, we can inherit fetishes from our childhood, or we could be averse to reminders of this memory (and perhaps this could be contingent based on the association).

For example, one study found an association between childhood sexual abuse and compulsive sexual behaviour in women, and another study suggested a link between risky sexual behaviour and childhood sexual abuse.

On the other hand, another study suggests that hypo-sexuality is common among women who experience childhood sexual abuse. Other research suggest that some people who experience sexual abuse in childhood could develop sexual aversion as adults.

Now there can be many variables which can account for these differences, such as severity of abuse, the victim’s age at the time, the abuser’s relationship relative to the victim, any guilt and shame projected onto the victim etc. but I find it interesting that there are differing reactions to this type of experience that we can consider to be polar opposites. So how does this relate to kinks and fetishes?

Childhood & The Development of Kinks/Fetishes

I want to be clear that I am not necessarily saying that not all kinks and fetishes are associated with trauma, but rather I believe some could be a secondary factor or an extension developed as a reaction.

For example, one study found that men who experienced childhood abuse were more likely to become sadists whereas women who experienced childhood abuse increased the chances of preferences in become masochists in S&M relationships.

However, another study found that childhood trauma was not a good predictor for kinky sexual behaviour in adulthood, specifically sadomasochism.

I don’t think that childhood experiences (both positive and negative) has a direct influence on kinks and non conventional sexual pleasure but I think it is an extension of events experienced that create an interest or aversion.

Other types of “non conventional” sexual pleasure, specifically prostate play, still has an impact on men who may feel afraid to explore. I believe men shy away from the idea of prostate play because of guilt and shame associated with the enjoyment of those type of pleasure, instilled in them from a young age from society, some of the men in their lives and reinforced by some women they interact with setting standards of attraction to hypermasculinity. Many people associate prostate play with lack of masculinity (or homosexuality) and, therefore, this association can be enough to create an aversion or fear of exploration for fear of judgement or misunderstanding of who they are.

The aversion of prostate play can also be impacted by childhood abuse as enjoyment or exploration could, in their minds, reinforce the idea they may have enjoyed what happened or “asked for it”. Even though this is not true, that it wasn’t their fault, that they were innocent and young, enjoying prostate play may not be related to the abuse itself but the aversion could be influenced by the negative association between the event that occurred, how it made them feel and the desire to explore. If you can relate to this part, I want to reassure you that none of it was your fault, and that enjoying this type of pleasure is separate from what happened to you.

Circling back to M’s case when he shared with me about typically having to have feet in his face in order to climax, it was interesting that our time together didn’t fit the mold. He wanted me close to him and he wanted us to caress each other. I’m curious if the feet are an extension of the trauma that he experienced from the triangulation and conditional love his parents gave him, and that feet were a representative of positive feelings of love and intimacy that his babysitter provided that he couldn’t get from his parents.

It would be interesting to see how our fetishes and kinks are manifested from our childhood experiences.

What do you think?