Last week I received an unfortunate unofficial diagnosis of a family member who is close to me. Although we have no official diagnosis, the specialists have communicated that the outlook is grim. I took a break from social media to process the information of the knowns, and how to manage the unknowns. Also, the most important was to prepare for the worst, hope for the best and focus on what I have control over during this time.
This particular family member had deprived themselves of their own happiness because they were so critical of others are not fitting into this box that they made up in their mind. Certainly, one can deduce that this person is outwardly projecting the inner voice that cripples them with criticism on a daily basis.
This inspired me to start reflecting on why I do what I do. I know I have talked about this in previous posts, but having some thing like this happen so close to me actually made me feel my own mortality deeper than I ever had before. Realizing that this person held back experiences in their life out of fear of judgment, brought up an array of emotions. I felt sad for their loss of missing out on important experiences they probably desired to experience but were too afraid to explore.
It is my theory that, because of this, they sunk into a deep depression overtime. When I was a child, I saw that this person found joy in life. They actually told me the meaning of life is, “to experience” - and I lived my life around this. As I got older, this person expressed no joy in any extracurricular activities. Having no hobbies, only working for financial gain - not even finding joy in work. I believe that when you deprive yourself of things you want to try or experience in life, it turns into a snowball effect where you start to move in the direction of avoidance and steer clear from any new experiences because you tell yourself that nothing is worth trying, and life isn’t worth living.
Related to what I do, a lot of people get to a point in their lives, where they realize their mortality, and they stop caring about living within the prison of their mind. I have had a lot of people expressed gratitude to me for helping them safely explore things they’ve always wanted to try without judgment. Unfortunately, not everyone gets to that point, and sometimes the depression - as a result of harsh criticism within their mind - can cloud their thought process and paralyze them with intense fear. If you find yourself struggling with that inner, irrational voice, ask yourself: whose voice am I hearing? Who is telling me to live my life this way? Typically this inner voice comes from our childhood - perhaps our parents or an authority figure. Reflect on their experiences and their upbringing. Why are they so critical? Who told them these “made up rules” are the only way to live your life? What are they afraid of? As you start to reflect, you will begin to notice that they were victims of criticism themselves, and everything they told you was a lie.
One more important point that I wanted to share about this person is that their famous line was, “what’s the point of doing anything? You are going to die anyways.” Combatting this negative mindset has been a struggle for me, but it’s also been very inspiring as well. Through these unfortunate events, this person continued to smoke, and against their healthcare providers suggestions, overly indulged in chocolate bars and other sweets, despite having an extremely high blood sugar. Why was this person overly indulging, if they “are going to die anyways”? It almost sounds counterintuitive but, it is to experience joy in the moment. Even if it is just for the short term. But that is what life is about. We are not here forever. But we are here to experience the little moment of happiness, excitement and good feelings that life can offer in a variety of ways.
Live your life in a way that is conducive to your happiness without hurting anyone. It doesn’t matter how long you will be here. But there is no life if you are living like you are dying. You need those rushes of dopamine, serotonin and other feel good neurotransmitters to feel alive, and how you obtain those productively can only be uncovered through trying new experiences and doing what you love. And there is no shame in wanting to feel pleasure, happiness and life.
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