If you categorize every sexual desire into giving up control, taking control or sharing control, every fetish (or sexual encounter) can fit into this kind of category. Fetishes are not weird. They are ways to inspire your own curated experience of arousal related to control.
A few days ago, I met a lovely gentleman who shared his specific fetish - a unique fetish that I’ve never heard of which I was open to trying. However, he kept saying labeling his fetish as “weird”, which made me realize that others have shamed him for this fetish before. He said that I was the first provider that was open to this fetish, or at least positively receptive to it as he tried it with others before and he said it seemed awkward. I will not share what the fetish is because I don’t want to publicize any discerning features and it is not relevant to the impact of the story. We talked about the tools that we can use to facilitate this fetish, and how wearing certain things did not inspire physiological arousal. Rather, the psychological submission was the most significant in creating a response.
While I perform the desired task, his preference was to be tied up as this reinforced the idea of giving up control. If I stimulated certain parts of his body to emulate wearing a certain article of clothing around his neck, it was not the same reaction as actually wearing the item. It wasn’t about the feeling of the item around his neck, but rather the psychological representation this item had - complete submission to me.
When people share personal fetishes, I don’t look at what the fetish is but rather my role in it. Am I taking control or giving up control? I always prefer to be the one in control but sometimes I’m willing to give up a little control or share the control, such as allowing someone to massage me or doing something specific to enhance a person’s pleasure at their request, such as making certain facial expressions or wearing pantyhose. Sometimes outfit requests are not welcome as this can sometimes feel like objectification, especially if I don’t know the person very well. This can come off as pushy and too domineering, especially coming from a new person.
During my psychotherapy practicum, I learned that every issue in therapy can be looked at from a perspective of control or lack thereof. For example, a lot of anxiety symptoms can stem from feeling out of control, such as the physiological effects of a panic attack, or even feeling anxious about the future, and focusing on what can go wrong. A psychotherapist’s role is to help empower their clients through exploring ways in which a person can regain control over their life. That could be shifting the focus to ways that a person can control the situation, such as realizing they cannot control others, only themselves, and the conspiracy theories they may concocts in their mind is not a direct reflection of reality and what is guaranteed to happen but rather one’s own perception shaped by internal fears. If someone is usually acting irrationally or angry, it usually boils down to feelings of helplessness or not having control over the situation.
Fetishes aren’t weird. They’re opportunities to experience a level of enhanced pleasure by switching your typical sexual role in the bedroom, role in every day or by reinforcing the role that you enjoy or find comfort in. Some men have shared with me that they are typically in control in their every day lives and they find arousal in giving up control to me, in a sensual way. I’m assuming that some people enjoy giving up total control through humiliation and physical pain find pleasure in BDSM. I’d imagine that those who seek out escort-type services enjoy feeling in control or maybe even sharing that control with a provider. Everyone has something that makes them tick and there is nothing weird about exploring the unconventional or seeking out what you enjoy. Sharing these experiences with an open minded person who is a willing participant can make the process more pleasurable and exciting, opening the door to self exploration and self discovery.
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