Consent runs deeper than just yes and no. The rule of thumb is if it’s not a definite yes, then it’s a definite no. In order for the person to consent, they must be sound of mind. That includes controlling for age, mental disabilities, experiences/trauma and other factors such as coercion, emotions and force.
This week over social media (specifically X (formerly Twitter), I focused on the theme of consent from a provider’s perspective to respecting the suitor. I normalized the idea of consent in a professional relationship and the opportunity to change your mind when it feels right. I touched on the difference between fully consenting and fantasizing about consenting, and how both can be erotic in their own ways. But what about consent from a provider’s perspective of their own autonomy?
People rely on their partners to tell them whether they consent. When exchanging sex or sexual services for monetary gain, is this fully consensual from the providers perspective? Of course if it is not fully consensual, it is up to the provider to fully communicate their boundaries, and it’s up to the suitor to not force the provider into crossing their boundaries, both psychologically and physically.
Consent With Sex Work
From an objective thought, is purchasing services from a provider fully consensual when providers are selling sex or sexual services? I understand that there is a level of consent as there is an agreement to provide a service for a monetary exchange. But, is this what the provider wants to truly do with that specific person who shows up at their door? Or, is there room to believe that some sex professionals may “force” themselves to provide the services to someone, even though they may not want to? This ideology can also be debated in any workplace setting.
Is sex work exploitative? Many people suggest it is so. But what about the difference between this and working a regular job? Could it be argued that people are exploited in civic jobs too? Or even by our own government through taxes (on taxes)? How do we know the threshold of when a person is being exploited despite their own outward choice to consent to the line of work when the only reasons are related to monetary gain?
Misconceptions Around Consent and Sex Work
There is a misconception that all sex workers do not have a choice in their work and that they are coerced by their clients or other people in their lives. This is furthest from the truth. Some positives of sex work are that it provides freedom of time, higher income, and for some, doing what they love. What’s wrong with loving sex? And why do people automatically associate sex work with something bad and associate sex work with force rather than personal choice? Is this related to society’s ideologies are sex and higher body counts are immoral, shameful and taboo?
Some people think they are saving a person by getting them out of sex work when, in fact, I believe they’re infringing on the persons consent to choose what they want to do. I’ve had a few personal experiences of people trying to “save me” by offering me another job or even shame the job so I move into a role that they feel as appropriate. Isn’t this infringing on my consent, disrespecting my freedom of choice or both?
Consent & Changing Your Mind
With sex work, another factor that attributes to consent is the opportunity to change your mind about sex work and leave. The idea of “any time” is the discerning factor of consent - not when someone else dictates your timeline or even your ability to say no to certain suitors.
When you have someone forcing you to work, this is where it’s problematic. Other than the obvious, how do we know the threshold in which someone is forcing you or coercing you?
I think there are some ethical issues with having an “agency” or a “spa” manage girls in sex work. Now, I can’t comment directly on escort agencies but I’ve heard similar “policies” as the spa. When I worked at an erotic spa, they would never let me take a day off if I was sick without recourse of “fines”, or they would threaten to fire me if I wanted time off. Would this be considered psychological coercion? Putting pressure on you by threatening your livelihood of your future for their own gain and benefit in the moment?
This week I also talked about boundaries and how anyone is allowed to change their mind at any point. I have my boundaries and they are firm for my own personal reasons. And anyone that tries to railroad them will not be allowed back. I have met wonderful people who are always conscientious of crossing my boundaries, and the thoughtfulness is so heartwarming and refreshing compared to the majority of people that I’ve met at the spa.
Even more troubling is that I went for an interview at a spa, they told me that I had to pick from a list of services that I had to provide in order to work at their spa. Other spas (including this one) told me that I had to provide certain services outside of my boundaries or else I wouldn’t make any money. How is this type of psychological manipulation legal? Would providing these services count as fully consenting to providing these services? Who is moderating these businesses and protecting vulnerable populations? What about younger girls who are new to the business? Are they able to fully consent without any experience and an underdeveloped brain? You can start working in the sex industry as soon as you turn 18 in Ontario and your brain isn’t fully developed until you’re well into your 20s, approximately 25 to 30 years of age.
Sugar Daddy & Sexual Relationships
What about the sugar daddy and sugar baby arrangements? A lot of people in the sex industry glamorize this sugar daddy/sugar baby arrangement as a lifestyle but, personally, I believe it would be a life of hell because it moves the boundaries and removes the flexibility around consent. A person pays you and buys you things that you need to live and you must give them access to your body at their own leisure. What if you don’t want to allow them access in that moment or at that time of day? From what I’ve heard from other girls - this is irrelevant. A deal is a deal. What kind of ramifications does this arrangement have on your mental health? This removes the ability to fully consent in any type of sexual encounter with your “sugar daddy”.
In addition to the sugar daddy arrangements, I also feel like there is a level of removal of consent when it comes to traveling with clients (FMTY (fly me to you)). Unless there are foundational rules laid out prior to the trip, is there full consent with every engagement? Now I’m not familiar with this arrangements as this is something I’ve never been interested in so I’m speaking purely from an inexperienced and ignorant perspective. Perhaps there are rules, such as a service paid for when a services rendered upon the provider’s consent in that moment. I’d imagine that services should be separate from the time being paid for the trip.
The same stands true in any romantic/sexual relationships. Just because you’re in a sexual/romantic relationship with someone doesn’t necessarily mean that they have access to your body when they want. Consent works all ways.
How Is Consent Affected By The Law?
Criminalizing sex work can also remove the choice of consent. Making sex work illegal doesn’t remove sex work from society, but rather criminalization will force workers to go underground. As a result, this with put more people at risk for not reporting any type of assault or for any protection against trafficking. Of course, it is their choice to engage in this type of work, but what if they need the freedom to raise their children or the freedom give more time to afford the basic necessities of life? Not everyone is born with a silver spoon in their mouth or granted the same opportunities as others. Some people aren’t raised with proper upbringing focused on career advancement through education. Some people are just focused on survival.
Consent With Support
Social media, specifically, Twitter/X, are excellent platforms for consent, because they open up the lines of communication between providers to share information on dangerous people and keep each other safe.
Is Consent Just Physical?
My consent runs deeper than just the physical. I don’t text people to reach out because I understand they have their own lives and their own level of privacy and consensual boundaries that they want to maintain outside of our professional relationship. I don’t share anyone’s personal information with others, including personal details, and respect everyone’s discretion equally.
Physically, and upon first meetings new people, I always ask for a hug. I don’t just take a hug and assume that a person want to be touched right away. I also give people the option to keep an article of clothing on during their massage if they are showing signs of being shy. Additionally, I always ask if I can give a prostate massage, unless their body language communicates comfort and undeniable desire. In my Twitter/X post, I highlighted the difference between consenting mentally and being ready to consent physically.
Sex Work Defining Consent
I have realized the importance of consent through sex work. Even though I don’t provide certain services, it has strengthened my ability to say no and stick to what feels right to me. It has allowed me to see the differences between those who respect my choice of consent, and the entitlement of those who believe that their desires take precedence over my boundaries.
Sex workers are the masters of consent. According to the Washington Post, the #Metoo movement brought a new level of awareness of consent within the entertainment industry, which has protected predators for so long. Even the Washington Post mentioned that so many people are confused as to what consent looks like and it has been argued that sex workers are the perfect place to start defining what consent means.
Sex workers have the right to choose what they want to do, whether it’s providing an erotic massage, oral sex, or full on penetration. We can choose to provide the services to only a select few people, and can choose between people who they connect with. We can choose to see a person again or blacklist them.
As an independent sex worker, escort or not, we have more freedom to pick and choose who we allow in our circle. We have the opportunity to consent to the services that we want to provide and the hours we want to work without worrying about losing our job.
A slippery slope of consent is providing the services that you feel comfortable with, not what you believe others expect you to do. It’s not giving into negotiations. It’s making the informed decision for yourself that you are OK with.
I am also a symbol of consent. I give people permission to explore their own pleasure and experience it deeper than what they’ve been afraid to explore with their partner or at the risk of being judged with a civic partner. I provide a safe and non judgmental space separate from romantic expectations outside of our time spent together. I focus on removing all levels of shame, and give the consent to enjoy, as well as opportunity to change your mind, or even fantasize about your desires without the pressure of having to pursue it. I help you in finding your repressed self at a pace that works for you within a boundary that I have consented to. Listen to yourself and your partner, and always respect the boundaries of consent.
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