I wanted to share about my experiences at the Taboo Show - Everything to do with Sex show in Toronto over the weekend. However, I just found out today that I lost someone very close to me, who we will call S, to suicide. S was closer to me than most of my family and so she was family. She was an Angel embodied in a human, so loving so caring so kind. She would have given you the shirt off her back if you needed it - not figuratively - LITERALLY. She treated everyone with the most kindness, love and gentleness despite who you were. She is someone I aspire to be more like and learning of this news is utterly tragic and absolutely devastating.
I learned S was scammed out of her and her partner’s life savings by, who they believed, to be an online romantic partner. S was looking for some sort of outlet outside of her marriage and resorted to letting her guard down and allowing some nameless and faceless fraudster to take advantage of her feelings of loneliness and vulnerability. It was clear that S has unmet feelings from her relationship and the scammer preyed on this.
I define sex work to be any type of professional connection that involves a form of companionship mixed with physical touch, whether it be sex or some form of it (full body, neo-tantric massage). There are usually boundaries around this exchange, such as monetary compensation or some other form of agreed upon donations. Some people (and society) shames sex workers for providing an unmet need in a person, regardless of whether they’re in a relationship, whether it be physical touch, quality time or even words of affirmation. I’ve even read other sex workers on social media shame married men for seeking out services that meet their needs. I’ve heard clients share that they have needs but do not want to leave their current relationships for a variety of reasons. For example, some common stories I hear is their partner meets every one of their need except their desire to explore their sexual fantasies (such as prostate play or even cross dressing). They are not looking to have an extramarital affair or enter into a new relationship but the service provides them a safe space to explore without any strings or expectations from either party. I will talk about this more in a future blog as both sides of the coin can be argued.
In addition to this, and as long as the person seeking the service is well informed and practices caution, providers can also give clients a safe space to explore by entering into a contract which they will receive the service they’re looking for without the risk of being scammed or manipulated out of more money than they’re willing to part with. Of course there are many exceptions to this rule, such as catfishes, sometimes findom (financial domination which may pose a list of ethical problems which I will expand on later) and even providers crossing professional boundaries by manipulating caring clients for financial help.
Many of my clients have shared with me the positive impact I’ve had on their lives from just providing a non-judgmental space to share and a safe and clean outlet to have their needs met. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs and it’s unfair that society expects us to have one person in charge of meeting all of what we need to be happy and satisfied in life. I think this mentality and unrealistic expectations sets people up for a host of mental health issues, from depression and loneliness, from not having our needs met, to guilt and shame for pursuing avenues to finding ways to meet these needs. Further, since society trains us to be covert and ashamed, we sometimes may make rash decisions that may be hurtful to our overall well-being. I think this cyclical pattern can be relatable to many people, especially for my dear S who I love and miss.
S blamed herself and showed all the classic signs of a suicide risk after this devastating financial loss - from withdrawing from friends and her job to speaking about what they wanted to be buried in when they die. It’s important recognize the signs of suicide no matter how happy a person may seem on the outside. S lived her whole life through many trials and tribulations, even having raised adult children and grandchildren. The risk factors from the outside weren’t there but perhaps there was some underlying mental health issues that she never sought out support for due to shameful family rules around talking about feelings. This demonstrates why it’s important to be aware of thoughts and feelings and to look for support when it’s needed.
Sometimes, people will follow through with suicide regardless of how much help and support they have. It is important to do what you can as a support system and remind yourself that what others choose to do is not your fault.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, here are some warning signs of suicide risk:
Talking about:
Wanting to die
Great guilt or shame
Being a burden to others
Feeling:
Empty, hopeless, trapped, or having no reason to live
Extremely sad, more anxious, agitated, or full of rage
Unbearable emotional or physical pain
Changing behavior, such as:
Making a plan or researching ways to die
Withdrawing from friends, saying goodbye, giving away important items, or making a will
Taking dangerous risks such as driving extremely fast
Displaying extreme mood swings
Eating or sleeping more or less
Using drugs or alcohol more often
If you or someone you know is struggling, please familiarize yourself to resources to ask for help or provide help for those who need it. Here is an excellent website below if you’re interested in reading more about how to help yourself or others.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, you can:
Dial 911 or call your local suicide hotline (in Ontario it is 1-866-797-0000)
Go to your nearest hospital
Call your doctor
Formulate a safety plan, which is what I was trained to do as a psychotherapist.
Here is a template for a safety plan:
People that I can talk to or ask for help.
Warning signs that I am in a crisis (for example, what are some common thoughts, what are some feelings within your body (does your body get hot, sweaty, cold?))
Ways that I can keep myself safe (call a friend on my list, call the suicide prevention hotline, call 911)
Ways to distract myself (for example, watch a movie, go for a walk, eat a food that I enjoy etc.)
Advice I would give my friend (for example, think about the impact it would have on those who love you etc.)
Things that help me when I feel this way (for example, take a hot bath/shower, workout)
Suicide doesn’t make the pain go away - it just passes it onto those who love and care for you.
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