Anger As A Protective Symptom To Deeper Desires

I divulged that I practiced the art of erotic massage and encouraged self exploration with men (specifically pegging and prostate play) the other day to someone in the civic world. He said he had a lot of questions for what I did and expressed genuine and authentic interest but, most importantly to the relevance of this blog, we started talking about how the majority of people that come to seek out certain non-traditional “masculine” experiences because they are genuinely interested in exploring what many other men find enjoyable, and why.

I shared my theory that men who express anger, hatred or harshly judge others in finding pleasure in non traditional “masculine” ways, whether it is because they enjoy pegging, the idea of various levels of submission or are turned on by the thought of interacting with same sex partners, are typically projecting their own insecurities or suppression of their interest in the said experience onto others.

A study by H E James et al. looked at the difference in heterosexual men who admitted to have negative affect towards homosexual individuals and compared arousal in sexual stimuli those who did not experience negative feelings towards homosexual men. Both groups experienced an increase in sexual arousal and penile circumference when the stimuli included heterosexual and female lesbian pornography, but only those who expressed negative feelings towards homosexual individuals showed an increase in penile erection in the homosexual pornography. These researchers suggested that hatred or anger towards homosexual groups by self identified heterosexual men can be a result of unawareness of desires or denial of urges.

So why do some men become angry at other men who make the decision to participate in non masculine behaviours, when it truly is non of their business?

Gender Policing

Gender policing is penalizing those who don’t fit into traditional masculine norms, judging a person both on their behaviour and appearance. According to Harvard Business Review, if a man wants to show vulnerability, display empathy, act nice/kind, exhibit modesty or display any “feminine typical behaviour” (in the context of this blog, men who enjoy the submissive role, who are interested in sexual interactions with other men and/or enjoy any internal/prostate play), they are penalized for this behaviour.

Men are taught to meet many situations with anger - masking hurt, sadness, fear, insecurity etc. - otherwise they are not considered masculine. (On the other hand, women are socialized to focus their anger inward otherwise they are not considered feminine.) Sam Woolfe argues that men become trapped by anger, feeling like a failure if they fail as a provider, protector and sexual lover, and can become angry at the drop of the hat from a reminder of these failures (as they cannot express any other emotion). This can lead to an escalation of rage or violence. He also argues that anger can also become addictive, riding the roller coaster of adrenaline associated with anger.

Sons of parents who gender police show higher psychological distress through their childhood and adolescence (Bauermeister, Connochie, Jadwin-Cakmak & Meanley, 2017). This is troubling for me because how can a parent place these outward appearances above their own child’s psychological wellbeing? Of course, there’s lack of knowledge but certainly the impact of their upbringing on themselves cannot be that far outside of their awareness. I think it all goes back to the same ideology - if I can’t have this, why should anyone else? Or, if I had to go through this, everyone else should suffer too.

I was talking to a lovely individual this week and he opened my eyes by sharing his experience of the impact of growing up as Asian, being perceived as non traditionally masculine and the impact it had on his self image. He told me he hated being Asian because he didn’t fit into this “macho” role and it made him feel less masculine. As of recent, he started embracing who he is. He told me he has a better quality of life, feels much happier and comfortable in his skin.

I shared with him that not all women want that “macho” man - myself included. I don’t want to interact with a man who is emotionally unavailable, who treats me like an object of their pleasure and dominates me. I don’t want to be around men who are full of themselves and treat me like a “less than” just because I’m a woman. And I think, on the other side of the spectrum, women are expected to want these “macho” men otherwise they aren’t considered “feminine” (a topic for a later date).

Anger Associated With Non-Traditional Masculine Sexuality & Pleasure

I had someone comment on one of my photos directing judgment and negative attitudes toward (white) men for being submissive. Those who are secure within their skin, and do not practice gender policing, will not be bothered by another man’s choice to take on a submissive role and they will not be inspired to take time out of their day to express this negativity toward’s two consenting adults’ decisions.

If my theory is correct (in conjunction with supportive evidence from men who face inner distress with anger), many of these men who are insecure and practice gender policing may do so because they may have a desire to participate in these behaviours themselves. I believe that in their minds, they cannot express this otherwise they will be seen as “less masculine”, including the influence of their own ego and perceptions of their own self. So, instead of ignoring the situation, they may use the reaction of anger to express their own distress around what they cannot find the courage to do themselves. Additionally, they may also express anger from distress because, “if I can’t do it, why should they be able to?” There may be a belief that everyone should conform because they’ve made the choice to stop themselves from exploration or participating in non traditional masculine activities that will bring them pleasure.

Projection

The role of projection is to keep discomfort about ourselves at bay, and outside of our awareness. According to Michael Britain, PsycD, as cited in this article here people who feel inferior and have low self-esteem may be at more risk to use projection to project their feelings of not being good enough onto others. This can be seen in social issues, such as racism, or even homophobia.

I believe that people who try to dissociate from feelings of sexual attraction to the same gender (or desire to explore non-traditional masculine sexual activities) use projection of their hatred of their selves onto homosexual (or other) groups to reduce their anxiety and dissociate from their true self. If they express anger and hatred towards a certain group, certainly there’s no way they could be a part of this group, right? I think it’s a way to detach themselves from who they truly are not only for an outward appearance but also for their relationship with themselves.

Additionally, I believe that some of these people project feelings of anger, distain and hatred towards a person’s own choice because they keep their desires at bay so, again, “why should everyone else be allowed to express it when I suppress it?”.

Other Anecdotal Evidence

It’s interesting that there are a lot of high profile scandals associated with anti-gay public figures engaging in same-sex acts.

Ted Haggard, the evangelical preacher who opposed gay marriage was exposed in a gay sex scandal in 2006.

Glenn Murphy, Jr., former chairman of the Young Republican National Federation and vocal opponent of gay marriage, who was accused of sexually assaulting a 22-year-old man in 2007.

Wes Goodman, an anti-LGBTQ politician who purported to be an advocate for "family values,"  was caught in “inappropriate behaviour” with a man in his office - resigning shortly thereafter.

George Rekers, an antigay activist and cofounder of the Family Research Council was caught with a male escort returning from his European vacation.

And the list goes on. You can read more scandals here.

My Own Experience In The Sex Industry

The majority of men that I have the pleasure of interacting with do not express any negative attitudes towards any type of activity that other men choose to engage in that do not fit that traditionally masculine mold, regardless of whether they’ve expressed interest themselves. I believe that (overall) older generations and those raised in traditional cultures have been gender policed the harshest (compared to younger generations) and they may have already come to terms with certain parts of themselves by working through their thoughts, experiencing security within themselves and accepting others (and themselves) for who they are.

I have experienced one person who tried to triangulate me against other men’s desires for self exploration but I questioned him as to why this is stuck in his mind. He didn’t have a good answer to satisfy my suspicions of hidden desires.

I also interacted with another man who tried to preach traditional gender roles to me (women stay at home, men work, men take charge in the bedroom, women submit). He complimented me and said that I was a traditional woman. I said, “but how? I’m taking charge right now and you’re submitting to me and I’m working and making my own money?” He fumbled over his words, didn’t have an answer and I’ve never seen him since.

Other Reasons For Gender Policing

Now we can’t say everyone fits the mold of having hidden desires. There may be other variables (or hidden desires can coexist alongside other reasons). Another study found homes with authoritarian parental figures and homophobic encouraged ideologies were more likely to project these ideologies onto others themselves. This paper also highlighted that controlling parenting can lead to poorer self-acceptance and difficulty valuing oneself unconditionally. Perhaps there is some trauma and fear associated with exploring outside of the traditional masculine mold, and not necessarily correlated between a person’s hidden desires.

I think it’s important to remember that not every situation can be fit neatly into a box. I think issues can be more complex than what I’ve stated in this blog, but I think it holds a lot of weight and encouragement for exploring where these irrational feelings of anger and rage stem from.

In Summary…

If you or someone you know expresses extreme hatred towards a group of people, it is best to do some self reflection and ask yourself, “why?”. Where are these feelings coming from? Now, there’s a difference between disagreeing with certain things, which everyone is entitled to do, but when there comes expressing rage, harsh judgment, shame, hatred for someone’s lifestyle choice or even such a negative attitude for someone’s personal choices that aren’t hurting others (or impacting vulnerable groups such as those unable to consent), I think it’s important to explore where this ideology or concern is coming from. The anger or hatred towards a group is a surface symptom of something deeper.

Enjoying your sexuality and doing what makes you feel good does not have to be shared with the world. You can share it with those who you feel safe with. Those who do not judge you and are excited to explore with you. The point of this article is that we shouldn’t care what others think because people who judge the harshest are suppressing things deeper than they will ever admit. And it’s sadly taking away from a quality of life that they can really enjoy, find peace, self-love and self-acceptance.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wearing a mask to fit into society. Find a time, place and outlet to express these inner parts of you. We still have partners and other people in our lives (in professional and personal settings) that still put pressure on men to fulfill this “masculine” role. Play the game but make time for yourself.

I’m grateful that we are now living in a world where there is more tolerance and acceptance for self expression. However, there is still a movement of perpetuating toxic masculinity, specially anyone associated with the Andrew Tate character pushing forward this movement and encouragement men to fit neatly inside of a box, discouraging people to break free from these false narratives.

The point of this blog is to exercise more tolerance, and also to reassure people that they aren’t alone in their feelings. It’s about improving a person’s quality of life through finding an outlet for self-expression, not shouting it from the rooftops to negatively impact your personal and professional life (unless that’s what a person truly needs). It’s also about not continuing to spread hate and shame, but respect others for their own life choices and not to cause harm.

Men shouldn’t feel they need to fit a specific role in order to be considered valuable, and I look through a more complex and colorful lens. I encourage self exploration for not only our own happiness and pleasure, but also to come to terms with who we are, to know ourselves, and also to let go any anger, anxiety, depression or rage that we might be harboring as a result of unrealistic standards set within society that we feel pressured to achieve. Just knowing and accepting these parts of ourselves (which can also be related to our inner needs) can improve the quality of our lives, including our productivity and relationships with all the people in our circle.