Ok so I’ve long debated telling this story because I felt super embarrassed about it but, also, I feel inauthentic if I share stories about others’ vulnerabilities and not share some of mine. A lot of you may not think this is not a big deal but I did - and still do to an extent due to being misunderstood by a person who we shall name “YM” (acronym for Young Man). So here we go…
Around the end of 2023, I had a session with an individual who knows one of my colleagues quite well, YM. This person is fairly young and amazingly quite successful for his age but, based on my interactions with him, I can’t help but to wonder if he does inflate his success in his stories a little bit. Due to his age and limited experience at life, he does bring up some excellent points from his experience but the way that I experience him is that he also lacks ability to listen to anything other than what he believes - which, to me, shows a resistance to growth and perhaps a tiny bit of insecurity and inability to admit the contrary to what he believes. My psychoanalysis of my limited interactions with him will be relevant later.
So YM came in for a session and we started out in the typical manner - him having a quick shower and laying facedown on the massage table. We talked business about our common interests - real estate and investments. I’ve met YM before and this was the second time that we had the chance to interact.
My colleague, who knows him well, built him up to be some sort of real estate guru who she could learn from. Yes of course I agree that he has a great wealth of knowledge, but we also all have different opinions which can be subjective but being open to other opinions/experiences are also important to building character and knowledge. I didn’t see his approach of aversion to debate and lack of openness to other perspectives as inspiring or educational, although I did learn a lot from his experiences and success. I am the type of person that likes the psychological challenge - not to get confused with someone who always has to doubt everything you say, but rather someone who is open to presenting new perspectives and acknowledging mine.
I moved to his left side of his body and removed my bra, massaging him with my hands and bare breasts on his back. We kept chatting.
Hygiene is something that I prioritize. Most of the people that I meet have excellent hygiene - and of course with prostate play, sometimes comes with the territory of being, for lack of a better term, a little messy. We can’t always ensure hundred percent cleanliness, which I don’t mind given that I have total control of the cleanliness of my environment. Further, people also don’t wear deodorant so when they sweat and they may have body odor so I can’t always attribute that to poor hygiene. I also don’t attribute smoking to poor hygiene - even after people have showers and don’t smoke for a day or so I can still smell it, but it doesn’t bother me. When I talk about hygiene, I am referring to keeping our external parts and crevices clean - specifically our private parts (ass, penis, vagina etc.).
Back at my days at the spa, the majority of men who walked through the door had extremely poor hygiene. Now that I am an independent operator, poor hygiene is extremely rare. Is there a correlation between those who value hygiene (and care about themselves) and those who value discretion? Perhaps this is something that should be looked into further, but from my experience, there certainly is - but, as all research points out, there are always outliers and external factors so this is not a “one size fits all” rule and we shouldn’t paint everyone with the same brush. Some research does suggest a correlation between poor hygiene and social rejection, leading to poor self-esteem and poor confidence in children. I believe that not being taught proper hygiene and washing in childhood can affect a child’s development, relationships which, in turn, shape their behaviour, personality and outlook on life. Perhaps this is something to keep in mind for later in this blog.
I look at the whole picture as attribution to a persons character but also understand that my assumptions are only that - assumptions. And some characteristics I value more than some, and others I can look past (hygiene for example). The one thing I don’t tolerate is lack of respect for my boundaries and for me as a person. This is not negotiable. But this is not YM, which is why I was happy to welcome him into my space a second time.
I’m a very empathetic person. I feel people deeply - their emotions, their anxieties, their anger. This makes me really good at what I do when I massage and tease others, but it also affects me deeply if the individual doesn’t have a good energy about them. I’m not saying that YM doesn’t have a good energy, but I think I can pick up on, what I would describe as YM’s insecurities, which I think I felt deeply during that session.
In the case with my colleague, she feels connected with him because she is the type of person that is more submissive in general and likes to be told what to do but I experience her to be very intelligent and that she may not be confident in what she knows. On the other hand, I do have some traits of being open to listening to what others have to say and perhaps taking people up on their advice. But I also like a great challenge - challenging others for their thoughts and challenging myself (and others challenging me) against my own belief system. This is where I find the most growth. In YM’s case, I don’t think he’s closed off because he is necessarily arrogant, but rather he may feel a sense of insecurity and a need to “prove” himself to me with his knowledge about a passion we both collectively shared.
I moved to the foot of the bed and start massaging YM’s legs. I could smell his bum from there as I did while massaging both sides of his back. But I don’t care. He’s been very respectful, kind and courteous. But of course, I can still sense one part of his character that I can’t ignore - his inability to be open in his thoughts. I’m sliding my breasts on his back and I’m not getting any feedback. This is also a common characteristic that I see in those who are closed off, which I believe to be a protective mechanism stemming from insecurities or fears.
During sessions, I can tell the difference between someone who is nervous and someone who is closed off as a person. Someone who is nervous always becomes less nervous after our session together. Someone who is closed off tends to not open up at all. These types of people tend to be inflexible in their views, and are less likely to ask you questions or listen to other opinions no matter how valid they may be. And this is a better way to describe YM. He may be closed off for his own reasons, but my suspicion to this day is there may be a little insecurity which I believe is also reflected in his physical hygiene.
I flipped YM over and I could smell that his penis had a fishy smell.
Some of you may ask why I didn’t say anything. And maybe it’s wrong that I didn’t but I feel that saying something that is unsolicited is not socially positive behaviour and it might be interpreted by the receiver as a way to embarrass them. And this is how I feel about YM. But I know from speaking to my colleague that this person is in a long-term relationship, so I’m sure that he has heard it before. But this is just my assumption.
So he is grabbing my ass while I’m standing beside the bed and teasing his penis. He’s grabbing my ass really hard and at some point he spread my one cheek hard away from my other cheek and some air fills up my vagina. ‘Uh oh’, I thought. ‘I hope the air doesn’t escape’
With some people, I would’ve felt comfortable sharing. However, due to his closedoff nature that I experienced, I mirrored and internalized those feelings. I didn’t feel comfortable sharing what just happened. And this is a me problem - something I continuously have to work on by not allowing others’ emotions to affect me.
I climbed on top his chest, sitting on his chest reverse cowgirl style while my ass was in his face. I was stroking his cock harder and harder until he came.
And then the air released from my vagina, which seemed to be a significant amount due to the length of time it took to escape.
‘Oh man, I just queefed in his face. How embarrassing!’ I thought.
I just pretended like nothing happened. He didn’t say anything. But I can’t help but to wonder if he actually knew it was a queef or if he thought I farted in his face.
I have never seen him since so I’m thinking the latter is probably more true.
I wonder what he thinks of me. Perhaps he is reading me in a way that I don’t experience myself to be.
Perhaps I’m misreading him entirely as well - and our lack of communication just sucks all around, misinterpreting who we are as people.
Looking back, I should’ve said something. I should’ve explained to him what happened. But his energy affected my ability to talk about things. I’m not blaming him because it’s ultimately my decision to not share that but I’m just sharing what influenced my decision to not share with him.
Every person I talk to about this told me they would’ve laughed or they would’ve loved it. And I’m sure he would’ve laughed had I told him. But I didn’t, and I’ve made peace with this decision. And now I laugh about it - sharing it with the world to embarrass myself all over again, even if you may not find it as embarrassing as I do.
What fun is living if we can’t laugh at and embarrass ourselves?
With love and queefs,
Autumn 🦋
Comments